Tsonga came back to earth yesterday (today? damn you aussies!) and had to face the music, namely some shitty, Serbian, faux-dark horse music. There is an ancient Serbian voodoo hex that will put whoever you wish under a spell. This spell’s greatest powers makes your enemy afraid of approaching nets, and I don’t doubt for [...]
Archive for January, 2008
Tennisburger Calls for Boycott on Tiny Mom n’ Pop Pizza and Crepe Shop in the Remote Hills of Serbia
Posted in tennis on January 27, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Sharapover Wins! or Sharapova Drowns Ivanovic, Tsonga 4 Hours Away From Beating Screech (If You’re Reading This at 2030pst)
Posted in tennis on January 27, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
These words were mumbled by Dickberg after SharapovA drowned Ivanovic in a swimming pool converted into a tennis court, then converted back to a swimming pool, 7-5, 6-3. Throughout the enitre tourne Popov didn’t lose her purse, her bread , her Sony Ericson (thanks guys) cell phone…oh and she didn’t lose a set either. Have [...]
Dark Horse My Ass
Posted in tennis on January 25, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
To all of you assholes who keep insisting that Screech is the dark horse of every goddamn tournament he enters, lick my balls. Will you stop now? Probably not since you were all proclaiming that he was a dark horse going into Ozzfest ranked #3 in the world (THAT MEANS THERE’S ONLY 2 PEOPLE CONSIDERED [...]
RAFA! Takes Huge Hit from the Tsbong, Ivanovic Maybe, Kinda, Sorta Wins
Posted in tennis on January 25, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
If you missed Tsonga v. RAFA! you missed the best tennis you will ever (not) witness. With 17 aces, Tsonga’s serves were barely illegal. Tsonga had 49 winners to Nadal’s 13, which is totally illegal (trust me). Tsonga won 86% of his first serves compared to Nadal’s 56% (my abacus tells me that’s a 30% [...]
Sharapova’s Balls Seek Restraining Order Against Henin’s Racquet, Serena and Venus Not Sure Who To Blame For Early Exit
Posted in tennis on January 23, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Screech is so homophobic he’s insisted on finishing off (that’s pretty gay right there) each of his opponents in straight sets. No gay sets for Screech. He’s one all 5 matches in straight sets. The only other player to do that is RAFA! (aka A.C. Slater). [...]
Screech out C’mons Ozzy Hewitt’s C’mons, Blake Deadset on Proving Tennisburger Wrong
Posted in tennis on January 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
I’m surprised that there hasn’t been one mention of the fact that Ivanovic practiced tennis in her homeland of Serbia in an empty swimming pool. That would make some good commentary. They could repeat it ad nauseum about how she overcame great odds to make it to the big show. They could go on [...]
Roddick Given Tennis’ Kato Kaitlin Award, Ferrer Sends Skate Dad Home on Private Bang Bus
Posted in tennis on January 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
So much for getting high. Unless you want to fight a losing battle with your eyelids, Tennisburger suggests you stay away from the hippie lettuce. Not even Bud Collins’ shirts, and witty satire could keep my 300lb. eyelids from shutting down for the night. I had to watch the last half of the fifth set on [...]
Nadal Shows Off New Clay Shoes, Sharapova Keeps Her Bracket Ugly-Free
Posted in tennis on January 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Whether it was college, high school, or my entry into the middle school science fair (it was magnets) I always had to wait until the very last minute to get my shit done. Alot of people say that but only a few are real, consistent, functional procrastinators. Nadal is obviously one of these people. Facing [...]
Doctor Sharapova’s Reverse Birth Procedure a Success With Davenport
Posted in tennis on January 17, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Hype around a tennis mom is like gay sex, in the end someone is going to feel demoralized. I don’t know what the line on Davenport was, but I bet you Vegas doesn’t listen to the sorry-ass crew that’s been assembled for ESPN2’s coverage of Ozzfest (Get Bud out of that heat, and put ’em in the box so I can [...]
Federer’s Stomach Ache Beats “El Gato”, Isner Runs Away With Travelling Circus
Posted in tennis on January 16, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
About 5 years ago I cracked a rib (it may have just been badly bruised, I didn’t go crying to some “doctor” about it) while wrestling on the ground like, “some kind of goddamn fairy” as my dad would have said. The sheer power I exuded in front of my girlfriend at the time [...]
