Apparently both me and Srebotnik woke up this morning singing to ourselves, “Girl, I been shakin’, stickin’ and movin’ tryna to get you and that booty, tryna get to you and that booty.” Got up around 3:30 this morning, stepped on/kicked the cat, went to the computer and saw Serena down a break with [...]
Archive for May, 2008
Day 6: Beautiful French Girl, Giant Ass, Giant Tooth, and Juicy Booty Photoshopped Out of French Open
Posted in tennis on May 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Day 5: Cornet Pounces, Monfils’ Lovin’ It, Mattek Queefs and Fish’s Ankle Socks Hit the Showers
Posted in tennis on May 29, 2008 | 2 Comments »
Ahhhh, Boise. More importantly, Ahhhh Boise at my parents house. Where to rub one off? I took my sister’s laptop into “my” room (really just a yawning quarters for their cat), and my mother nervously eyed me like I was going to wank. The cat has a TV in his room, so I was able [...]
Day 4: The Spice Must Flow
Posted in tennis on May 29, 2008 | 1 Comment »
To say the conditions were windy/dusty/filthy is a bit of an under statement. Unknowingly, at the last minute they moved the French Open to Arrakis, for what reason I have no idea. I have a lot to cover so let me get on with this farce.
Ferrero recriered being up a set against Marcos “who” [...]
Day 3: Fans of Water Falling From the Sky and 2 Day Old Replays Rejoice
Posted in tennis on May 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Ahhhh, Vincent “ain’t afraidaya” Spadea (his self-given monkier). The skate dad of tennis. Everyone’s favorite NARC. Is he cool or what? He’s one of those dead beat dads that’s actually doing you a favor by not showing up. The guy wears his hat backwards to show you how crazy he is for non-cyring out loud. [...]
Day 2 Roundup: Roger n’ Sam, Wayne n’ Guillermo, Tom n’ Guillermo and Harkleroad Flashes Gash
Posted in tennis on May 27, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
I didn’t take notes today ’cause my friend Dave came over and ate all my chocolates while we watched some matches, so please blame Dave and his white chocolate obsession if this post is weak sauce. Tennisburger will be free-ballin’ it today.
First off, can we just go with people’s first names from now [...]
Day 1, Sloppy Seconds (and Firsts…and Thirds)
Posted in tennis on May 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Before I pile on, let me give you all a little advice. No matter how stoked you are that the French Open is here, do not haul 1.8 tons of red brick clay into your apartment to cover the floors with. It’s in my teeth, my butt crack, my ears and I think some [...]
Ho’s Gotta Eat Too
Posted in tennis on May 24, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Let’s sit back and contemplate these words of wisdom from the epic movie, Boyz n’ The Hood, which Doughboy spoke to Shalika while standing in line at the picnic waiting for some tasty BBQ. Indeed, ho’s must eat too. They must also play tennis. With Heninininin out of the BBQ line there’s all kinds [...]
Draws Are Out, Chubs Are In, Roddick Exits 3 Days Earlier Than Expected
Posted in tennis on May 23, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
So after Monfils beats this guy’s cowlick back into his empty cranium he’ll have to face “hits from the Tsonga” in the 2nd round? Hello? Rolland Garros? You are French! Why did you pit every frenchmen against every frenchmen in the 1st round? More shitty news straight from Roland Garros himself:
“‘La Monf’ lost [...]
Nadal Takes Bite From Tennis Hamburger, Federer Opts For Tennis Salad
Posted in tennis on May 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
First off let me say that I’m glad it was just the good ol’ boys again. No Serbs, no Scots, no Ruskies and no Yanks (as if that’s ever a problem). In a time when hamburgers come without buns, chicken tenders are wrapped in tortillas, and things like chalupas or gogurt exist it’s hard to [...]
Spring Chubs Fill The Spring Air
Posted in tennis on May 6, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Do you smell what the French are cooking? I’ll tell you what I’ve been cooking. It’s tofurkey and sliced jarlsberg slathered with syrup and wrapped in a cold flour tortilla. Trust me, it’s grosser than you could ever imagine. Just because something is sweet and savory doesn’t mean it’s sweet and savory, if you nahatamean. The [...]
