So much build-up for this match! Roofs being opened. Talk of conditioning. How about those posters in the hallway? All they’re missing is one of those 8 ft. x 8 ft. posters of a yellow Lamborghini, or Samantha Fox. Is there a coin toss for who gets to call the coin toss? Marry Carillo really seems to find the phrase, chomping at the bit, hilarious. Anyone notice Brag had the other McEnroe over last night to sip some of that conditioning juice (I bet you it taste kinda like au jous)? I bet those guys condition before they shampoo. Repeat, indeed. So they broke down the match like they break down every other match…might as well play the match!
Where is Federer’s hat! Everyone’s got a hat but him. Maybe a beanie, or a beret? A little top hat, perhaps? Or a cowboy hat? Or one of those hats with the propellers on ‘em! That might be too twink. Roddick uses his hat to hold at love. There’s a joke in there somewhere but I’m already tired. That Safina match was a true test of whatever muscles keep my eyelids from staying open.
Brag goes on to speculate on whether the roof being open will help Rod or Fed. He winds up giving the edge to Fed as Federer’s hatless head will allow him to absorb more solar power. Federer holds at 15. I yawn, scratch my ass, then toot, proving that that slice of bean pie was indeed a magical fruit.
Triple break point for Swiss Mister. Two blown. Oh my, a passing shot and Roddick is second guessing this whole, going pro thang. But alas, it’s too late!
Viagra tries to entice me to have a painful, 8 hour long erection with it’s 7,000th commercial of the open. Are you even suppose to have sex after 35?
Fed somehow holds on the third game as Roddick’s shots didn’t look bad. Uhhh, maybe Federer is just better? He is the guy with the headband after all. Roddddddddick follows up Feds serve by being broken. A nice little DROPPA! into the bottom of the net never hurt nobody, except Roddick, right now. Unless my elementary math teacher was lying to me all those years I was in 2nd grade, that makes it 4-1 Federer. Maybe I’ll have enough time to whack before I go to bed!
Federer challenged a ball called out, won the challenge but the point was given to him even tough Roddick claimed he was there to make the shot, therefore making it a redo rather than giving Fed the point. The true douche in Roddick came out, asking the chair umpire if he believed he could’ve hit the ball, to which the umpire said no. Roddick then told him, have some sack, dude. Funny enough that’s a compliment in Aussie slang which means, I’d like to lick hot wax off your taint. Fed holds. I can hear my roommates talking in their sleep, and they’re both saying BooooorrrrrrreeeEEEEn. 5-1, Federer.
After a few scrappy moments from the sweatiest man on earth, Federer holds to take the first set 6-2. At this point if anyone can tell me why I am still up, I’d love to hear your answer in the form of a stripper gram.
The only explanation I can think of for RoSTDick to continually come up to the net is because he dropped some of his Trojans over there. Everytime he comes into net Federer basically sends him walking back to the baseline with his head down. As I type this RoddddICK comes to net, and Federer dumps it into the net making me look like a dick. Deuce!
Was Brad Gilbert spawned by an ape and a fish? Roddick holds. The saying too little too late comes to mind. You could probably apply that saying to the precise moment when Roddeck finds out the age of his sorority dates.
Hey Tiffany Cherry, (*everyone chants*) HOW HOT IS IT!? Federer holds up, waits a minute, then puts some boom in it.
Roddick bites on that whole hold thing. On serve, Roddick’s up 2-1.
I don’t know what kind of shot Federer hit. Up the line, running back hand passing shot, past an approaching Roddick coming from the same side as the pass. Federer holds at 2-2 as Roddick whines to his box (note: ladies, do not whine to your box. Talking to your box will not make it grow any faster). Andy “Copy Cat” Roddick holds at 2-2.
Brag’s ingenious fishape brain coins the phrase (letters?) K.S. for kick serve. A true wordsmith, indeed. First Toss Assist and now this. Roddick shows some life with some approach shots and few passing shots and it’s 4 all with Roddick serving at 40-15. Federer has a knack for stepping around a shot, making it look like an inside out shot, then turns it into an inside out-in shot up the line on his left hand side. Roddick holds despite my attempt to describe Federer’s magic tricks.
After a couple aces and a DROPPA! Fed holds at 5-5. Is that pine tar on the bill of Roddick’s hat? No time to answer that. Some people break bed at love, Federer breaks serve at love. 6-5, Federer.
An emergency alert system pisses me off for 10 seconds, and when they come back it’s 30-0. 40-0. Game. It happened that fast. Two games to none. Yawn!
If you have a Golden Corral in your state, could you please just leave me a little note in the comments section? A simple yes or no will do. I’m putting that place in the same column with aliens, smart funny cute girls, happiness, and a bacne-free life.
It’s now 2-2 in the third and I swear to Monfils, if I see one more passing shot I’m, well, actually I wouldn’t be too surprised, they’ve been happening all night. If you took the number of passing shots, then divided them by the number of sweaty mesh hats Roddick wears, I bet that number would equal 1. Roddick keeps coming in, and shockingly enough Brag believes he should keep coming in, which leads me to believe that Brag is either an idiot (I think he’s and idiot regardless), or a Fed sympathizer. The only reason Roddick would keep coming in is if he’s a fan of watching tennis balls fly by him.
At this point, unless Weird Al Yankovic parachutes into the arena and lands on Federer, or if a Texas-sized comet slams into Federer’s grill, I’m gonna have to call this match at 3-2 in the third on serve. This dog needs his sleep. If Roddick pulls out of this one I leave Tennisburger to Salty, and my wipe rag to my ex.
Let’s Go(to sleep)!!!
P.S. I hate predictions, but let’s say 7-5 for shits and giggles in the third.
Golden Corral sucks. I actually had to eat there once as part of a team building exercise. The food is about as tasty as the smegma from Brad Gilbert’s choad.
Thanks Salt, I just barfed all over myself. I guess I’ll have to remove Golden Corral from the doesn’t exist column, and move it to the “things that make me barf” column.
I thought it looked like a good deal at the corral. I slept after the second set. Andy’s new butt does look cuter though. Sex after 35? Yes. After 45? Verdict still out.
Did the ‘burg remain up to the bitter end of today’s RAFA! match? Where’s my commentary, dammit?
Sorry Salt, I did indeed crash before Verdasco match, or actually right as it began. I’ve watched most of it taped, and have yet to finish it, so I don’t want to post on a match of that magnitude without watching it in its entirety. Enjoy that excuse sandwich I just served up.