I woke up this morning, ate 11 blueberry pancakes, texted my girlfriend and told her I ate 2, removed the giant stone from my stomach by way of pooping, called mom (she didn’t answer), and then I turned on the television and who do I see but Brad Gilbert and Chris Prowler (you just know dude has done his fair share of stalking…head down, hair bobbing) yakkin’ it up like two chums from way back when. That made me poop again, and then I settled into my pink, inflatable lazy boy, hunkered down with a can of (my roommate’s) vienna sausages, and a blue slurpee, ready for todays hot, steamy, french action.
Let’s give it up for the graphic that shows where Ivanovic’s ball toss goes. Did anyone understand how that made any fucking sense? Can I see that compared to someone else’s toss? I mean, there’s wind, her 2nd toss is gonna go back further…oh, she’s a human-fucking-being, uh, what else? I dunno, I know she’s been chowing down on the yips but I just don’t believe that graphic. It looks like more times than not she’s having trouble with her timing rather than placement. But what do I know, I considered the possibility of eating myself to death today (Leaving Las Vegas II). She’s also picked up an electrical tape sponsor which is cute in that “I don’t have any other answers” type of way. There is also so much doubt via the “analysts” surrounding her game. She. Won. In. Straight. Sets. Technically you can’t do much better aside from breaking your opponent on every serve. 6-3 in the 2nd? What do these people want?
Anyone hear the “fault” call in the fourth set of the Fembot v. Seamoan match? If I said I nearly shit myself at the sound of his scream I’d be lying because I did shit myself at the sound of his scream. I’m watching it in stereo to make myself feel like a rich asshole, and when he screamed something rich came out of my asshole. Then he did it again, and I kinda pooped again. I shouldn’t be needing a changeover during their change over. The only reason I should be shitting myself is from laughing too hard at Fembots eyelashes. Beareded lady, indeed. Luckily Seamoan put a stop to that walking lash. Anyone notice how those two both hit off their backfoot? It’s some type of extreme open stance. But I likes, I likes (only because I have an imperfect form and a general disdain for certain techniques of the game due to my unflapable stubborness which may or may not be redundant).
How often did Brad Gilbert say “dink” during Murray’s match? Me thinks someone thinks about Andy’s dink a bit too much. And what’s with these 10,000 videos on Murray’s computer? A) Are these dink videos? And B) Where did he get his hard drive? and C) How far back is this footage going? 10,000? Is he looking at Arthur Ashe footage? Yes, yes, Murray beat the 30 year-old Chela by looking at footage of Chela. Um, no. I could beat Chela and I’m 94. Murray wins in straights (I think, match was pretty borrrrrreeeeen).
Mathilde Johansson choked on the biggest goddamn baguette in French history, in front of her peeps no less. Sixteen double doubles. Eight came at match point. Yes, she blew 8 match points. And then she cried. On day one, no doubt! Even Brag Dilbert mentioned that there’s no crying in tennis on the first day, which, incidently lowered Brag from a code red to code orange for about 15 seconds. The fear that there may have been a breech in security in my heart’s No Brad Zone quickly bumped him up to code purple (my heartland security code looks like a gay pride flag by the way). Yeah, Mathilde, Karlovic, who had 55 aces against his loss to Leyton “5 setter” Hewitt was embarassed for your ass. And he was up 2 sets in the third with a tie-break in the third. Did I mention 55 freakin’ aces!? But yeah, 8 match points. If she doesn’t hang herself that’s pretty much 9 match points blown. Of course tennis is a silly-ass game that no one should kill themselves over, BUT, if it wasn’t…
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After Googling, “why is my poo green” I found out that Manesmo lost. No surprise there really. The only surprise came when I saw she’s ranked 16th. Surprise, then shock, then thrist, then laughter, then I inadvertently brushed my hand against my wang chung and it was on like Donkey Dong. Anyway, if anyone should’ve been crying it shoulda been Manny Manesmo or the test tube that gave conceived her him.
Azarenka’s not gettin’ much play except in my tennis fantasies, but thas okay. I think she could seriously wreck some shit, like that tiny European exchange student you met in high school who somehow pressured you into inviting him to your house party only to find him later that night blow torching your dads fishing trophy out in the garage while making out with your girlfriend. Yeah, Azarenka, her and those tight. Ass. Shoes. Are going places. I mean they’re fresh and they utilized child labor free trade? Sign this white boy up! (Note: I haven’t seen which shoes she’s wearing in the French, I’m going off of old tennis shoe fetish footage in my mind)
Bacsinszky gets the Winszky for France
You know you watch too much goddamn tennis when you know that Kanepi of Estonia losing to Shvedova of Kazakhstan is an outright upset. I don’t even have TTC anymore! How do I know this! What’s your excuse!
Safin: straights, Verdasco: straights, Stepanek: straights, Ferrer: straights, Almagro: straights, Golubev: straights, Cilic: straights.
I’m not sorry that Querry lost as his whole on-court demeanor and play depresses me quicker than a widowed double amputee stipper with the flu, but I do feel sorry for his continous bad luck with the draw, namely the first round. But I like Gulbis, so I’m pretty much torn, but not really, ’cause like I said, I don’t like the guy, so uh, Ahhaaahaaa! Gulbis had a cross court forehand winner that prompted Patrick (or someone) to yell the always loved “Hello!” He then followed that up with a forehand winner up the line that pretty much matched in flavor and texture.
My guy Lu of Taipei retired after losing the first set which took about 30 minutes. Lu, I like your crazy backwards hat attitude, and you look like a guy I used to skate with, but please get outta my face. I didn’t even see the match so I don’t know what happened but it better have been pretty goddamn extraordinary for me to take you back, like a piano dropped from the rafters (rafters they don’t have), or some type of Monica Seles stabbing type shit.
Tomorrow I hear there are more matches to be played. Good ones even. Allez!!!!
