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Archive for August, 2007

     Screech was staring down the barrel of Stepanek’s space doo-doo gun late today before rallying back to win in, by far, the tournament’s most exciting match, 6-7, 7-6, 5-7, 7-5, 7-6.  One must give Stepanek credit for not pretending to cramp and for impersonating hulk hogan in order to get the rich, geriatric crowd to raise onto their artificial limbs and walkers.  Screech himself danced to an old Serbian ditty in his head, leaving many to wonder if his cramp had come back.  After winning the final set tie-break Stepanek came to Screech’s side of the court, embraced him, rubbed his ass and stuck his aligator tongue down his throat.  Remember, I’m just here to report.  More to come later tonight as RAFA! takes on Tipsarevic of Serbia (although Tipsarevic isn’t really all that Serb’d out).

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Lee Would Like To Play

     My great grandma once told me that you can tell a girl is a stallion in bed if she smokes or likes jazz.  You can now add to that list women who break their racquet on a PLASTIC FUCKING CHAIR.  Vaidasova wrapped her tennis racquet around one of those white, plastic patio chairs after losing her 5th match point, sending the 2nd set into a tie-break.  She then sent Pennetta of Prague packing, winning 7 straight tie-break points. 

     Bethanie Mattek may have lost to Peer in straight sets 6-1, 6-2, but the pride she has in her country and her labia(s?) shows that she’s not too much of a loser…today.

     Donald Young and his hoodlum friends intimidated Gasquet into retiring, saying he had AIDS (or some kind of virus) and could not play.  Donald Young will intimidate Lopez of Spain in round three.

     Isner did not play today, but did manage to get 10 more aces.

     Sharapova squirted more ass, routing some aussie in under 12 minutes, or so.

     And finally, Hyung-Taik Lee of Korea went Kim Jong-Il on Canas’ Argentinian Arse in straight sets; 7-5, 7-5, 6-3.  As Jackie Chan probably said in at least one of the Rush Hour movies (in a horrible chinese accent) YOU BETTA WRECKOOGNIZE!

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     I woke up today with a foreign substance in my ears.  It was the Chinese woman living/fleecing me up above.  The cantonese chatter box was 2 clicks from my window screaming about how creamy Venus’ juicy thighs were.  I could only presume that day 3 of the U.S. Open had begun, and I knew as Ice Cube once knew that today would be a good day. 

     I had insider information that Olaru of Romania would be throwing the match versus Venus, and man did that bet pay off! I must admit that Olaru (18) made it look a bit too obvious.  She continually offered the ball to Venus as a peace offering, only to see Venus reject it like so many other Romanian peace offerings made in the past.  Olaru came up with a staggering 6 winners, losing the match 6-2, 6-1, but more importantly winning me $3000 (minus taxes, of course).

     Before moving to the men’s side I pose this simple question to you: Is John McEnroe smoking meth-amphetamines?  If not for the rambling, and the constant appearance of possibly nodding out at any moment, then for this point he brought up (at the largest tennis tournament on U.S. Chinese soil):

     John McEnroe: Have you seen this guy (Alun Jones) play?

                                        Defeaning Silence

     John McEnroe: This guy can play.

     Me on my couch, in my head: Play tennis?  Yes, I agree.  It appears as if he can play tennis.

     So Alun Jones took the court today (I know, I’m late, maybe it was yesterday) to face RAFA! and unbeknownst to him it is not tradition to play tennis here in the states with a giant glob of cum smeared across your face.  South Africa is indeed another story altogther.  In the end Jones’ lucky facial was no match for RAFA!’s two ace bandages wrapped below his (uninjured, patella untendonitis) knee caps.  RAFA! sent his opponent scurrying down an old, dusty, spanish alleyway goreing him slightly before prying him open with his RAFA horns; 7-5, 3-6, 6-4, 6-1. 

     Tim Henman and his teeth won in straight sets.  You can actually email Tim Henman’s teeth.  Sadly we won’t be able to see Henman’s teeth face off against Murray’s teeth unless both sets of teeth make it to the finals; upsetting multiple teeths in a path of bloody teeth destruction.

     And finally, I guess I have to face up to this, Isner and the rest of his body made it into the 3rd round today upsetting someone who was not capable of being upset (i.e. never would have been considered a favorite, think about that for a minute) until Isner somehow became everyone’s favorite, and very tall, but not very dark, shit horse.  Isner leads the U.S. Open so far with 48 aces. 

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     I’ll have to blame my tardiness on a woman.  There’s really no way to reason with them.  This is a quote from Vinci who spent the entire match trying to hold her shirt down over her squishy third-world belly.  That’s a bit harsh, but so was the proverbial female ass waxing (squirting?) that Sharapova bestowed upon the gelato mistress.   I now call upon all sports writers to lay off the “sparkling”, or “shining”, or any other adjectives that refer to the russian rubies glued above her bambinos (they’re breasts, jess).  From now on I want to hear how Sharapova made her opponents wait in a 5 hour bread line before she served them prison goulash. 

     On to the women’s side of the court.  Justin Gimelstob of the USA (yeah right!) had his goulash handed to him via Andy Roddick (if there has ever not been any question to one’s U.S. residence he is a shining example).  Admittedly I tuned in just in time to see Gimelglob go down and give Roddick a push-up.  He then kissed the court, with his lips.  Cameras pulled away before Hemoglobin tried to swing from Andy’s nuts like a nut-monkey.  Then I thought, well maybe it was close, that’s why they’re rolling around…like it was close.  Turns out Roddick rolled through him like most of his frat house gang-bangs (7-6, 6-3, 6-3).  All I’m sayin’ is, chill on the love of the game tip, IT DIDN’T TREAT YOU THAT WELL TO BEGIN WITH.  Don’t try and go out like Andre Kirk Agassi, cyrin’ and all that jazz.  The best you ever did was to get out of the 2nd rd. in Micronesia in a juniors doubles   tournament in 1982 when you were 9 years old.

     James Blake as yoosh, just barely got out of the first round upsetting no seed Michael Russell.

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