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Archive for September, 2007

     I will get to the women in just a second.  But first I have to congratulate Ferrer on not only beating RAFA! (soundly), but for taking the time out to read my last post.  Ferrer understood the importance of finishing his meal and he did so quite decisively, 6-7, 6-4, 7-6, 6-2.  RAFA! and uncle Tony prepared what looked like a substantial meal, but soon the kitchen was overwhelmed, and Ferrer wolfed down the next three courses.  He then shit on Fat Tony’s linen, rubbed his balls on the wait staff, went to the kitchen and kicked someone in checkered pants in the knee-cap, ran outside,  saw one of the valet’s smoking out back and proceeded to punch him in the upper jaw and ear area.  RAFA! thought about faking an injury but went out like a man.  How many times can you watch a tennis player start limping only to see them sprinting up to the net on the very next point before you vomit on your tofurkey sandwich?  Luckily he didn’t play the knee card (by the way, can you really save your caps by wrapping some cheesecloth underneath them? It’s like Dianetics for your knees.).  The bottom line is Ferrer would not give up, which is a horrible cliche on my part but it is getting late and my porn is getting cold. 

     Screech slammed the door on Monaco without any help from Zack or Slater, geeking out 7-5, 7-6, 6-7, 6-1.   

     The ladies fought long and hard over me but in the end Henin and her teeth (seriously,  does playing tennis adversely effect your teeth?) embarassed Serena in straight sets 7-6, 6-1.  I didn’t think it was really an embarssing match for Serena until she opened her big mouth in the press confrence afterwards stating (as yoosh) that Henin just hit lucky shots and that she, Serena, had a lot of unforced errors.  Lucky is like when you’re walking down the street and your foot is coming down and by chance you see some dog doo at the last moment and you do that weird “in-air sideways step” to avoid it, and you say to yourself, phew, that was lucky.  When Henin wins nearly 80% of her first serves it’s called skills, not luck.  And as for errors, Henin had only 6 fewer than Serena.  There are only TWO people on the court, and your ass is one of them, so quit your damn crying (oh, and I did see you crying on the way off the court)! Tennisburger does not like criers, and neither does my kid.  To him they’re like the boogeyman or some shit. 

     Tomorrow V. Williams and Chakvetadze face some giant  foreheads tomorrow as Venus takes on Jankovic’s forehead, and the Russian butts heads with Peer. 

     On the men’s side Federer looks to take Dirty dick Roddick to the clinic.

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          Where did Lopez go?  Where’s Blake?  Anyone seen Isner?  Hm.  Howabout Hewitt?  Haven’t seen ’em?  Wait are they over there?  No.  That’s a group of highschool girls.  Wait! That’s them over there at Denny’s.  And they’re leaving with food on their plates.  Hey guys! Wait, you didn’t finish your matches OR your meals!  U.S. Open matches, like a meal in some areas (as your mom hopefully told you) is hard to come by, so why the fuck wouldn’t you finish them?  I honestly think (in the case of Lopez and Isner) Federer is so good that getting that first set in is good enough.  Your like, okay, that felt pretty damn good.  I’m full.  I couldn’t eat another bite.  I can’t belive I even made it through half that knish.  The other half is that Federer is just too damn good.  Did you see the three points leading to the first break of the third set (and the concluding break point)?  That is as good as tennis gets.  I don’t really care about the rest of the matches that happened today, all I care about is that when Federer loses that first set, people start to shake and tremble, knowing that the end is right around the corner.  In most movies, right before someone is about to die there’s that moment where everybody is all happy go lucky n’ shit.  Fools are laughing and patting each other on the back.  Then, BAM!  Joey Bananas is laying on the floor, face down, with a fucking spear in his back or some shit.  Well look, next time Federer loses that first set don’t shit your pants ’cause Federer is just pulling that spear out and he’s ready to start cuttin’ fools real good.  Roddick better finish his meal, ’cause Federer is not gonna let up after losing one set.  Check that, Federer isn’t going to let dirty dick Roddick finish his meal.  He’ll be like that annoying waitress who comes by before you’re done, sets the bill on the table and says, “whenever your ready”.  But you keep staring at the bill.  You know it doesn’t matter if you’re ready.  The waitress is done with you.  Okay that was kinda weird, but I think you feel me.  You’ve stuck with me this long.

     Quickly.  Davy “I dunno” denko def. Hyung-Taik Lee 6-1, 6-3, 6-4.  Keep an eye out for those nukes flying in from N. Korea, by the way.  Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas made Blake choke on his dinner (Blake was serving for 3 match points and spit up his chicken bones all over the place) slamming the check down, 4-6, 6-4, 3-6, 6-0, 7-6.  Berdych didn’t just run out on his check, he ran out on the whole fucking meal, retiring after losing the first set, 7-6, 2-0.  My kid doesn’t ask me anymore if doggies go to heaven, he asks me where all the criers go, and what chokes me up is, I don’t have an answer for him.  

     As for the women, Henin will face Serena the she-beast tomorrow and, well…has anyone actually seen Henin?  I’ve seen photos and shit, but has anyone actually seen her play tennis?  I know she’s got a mug, but isn’t she #1 in the world.  You’d think they’d show her once in a while.  Well assuming Henin does exist she’ll be facing Serena tomorrow in the quarters.  Peer who knocked out the toothless wonder will face an-up until now dark horse in Chakvetadze.  I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see any of the women’s match, so aside from full on RAFA! (v. Ferrer) coverage tomorrow I’ll cover the ladies.  Like Ice Cube (also) said, Ho’s gotta eat too!

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Day 7

venus.jpgserena-williams.jpgscreechhat.jpgrafa.jpg

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     One.

     Didn’t the dentureless Radwanska know she was facing the 2nd ranked player in the world?  Or that at 20 Sharapova was technically her elder?  Didn’t she know that I like to watch Yuri’s daughter while I’m on the couch in my eurowear?  Then why did she beat her?  She played like she didn’t give a good goddamn about any of the above.  This girl makes me sick.  This is what’s wrong with her generation…no respect.  And would somebody get this girl some teeth for fuck sake?  Murray? Henman? I’m looking at you.

     Aside from teeth, Radwanska was relentless in her disrespect, continually playing on Sharapova’s weak points; namely by playing the net often, and using some quetionable tactics when Sharapova was serving.  Apparently she knew she could get into her head by coming in close (real close, like 2 ft. into the baseline) on Sharapova’s second serve, and it worked.  Sharapova had 12 double faults compared to Radwanska’s 2.  Aside from slippin’ in the 2nd set, Radwanska handled Sharapova with ease, 6-4, 1-6, 6-2.  She goes onto the fourth round to face Peer who (upset? I don’t know, it upset me) beat Vaidisova in a tough, physical match, 6-3, 3-6, 7-6.

     On the men’s side Federer shut Isner and his band-wagon the fuck up.  Do you hear me Don!?  Isner’s giraffe fucking, head-ducking, gang-bang frat havin’, cheap-ass aces are finally out of my face!  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it everyday ’til that stilt-walking bozo proves me wrong, “He is fradulent!”.  Oh, and somebody tell Isner’s mama and the rest of her giant-haired klan up in the box that YOU HAVE TO WIN THREE FUCKING SETS, NOT ONE.  Until then sit your buffet swarming ass down in your over-sized, custom made seat.  In case no one saw the match, after Isner won the first set in (surprise!) a tie-break his mama went bananas as did her whole box (I mean the people she was sitting with, her box didn’t go crazy).  But Federer, cool as a cucumber, routed Isner to win the match 6-7, 6-2, 6-4, 6-2.  Aside from Isner’s skyscraper serve (he leads the U.S. Open with 66 aces, 2nd Lopez with 51) he didn’t have ANY type of game to rely on.  After Isner’s loss my chub slightly inflated.

     Hyung-Taik Lee upset (it didn’t upset me one bit) Andy “teeth” Murray 6-3, 6-3, 2-6, 7-5.  One less cry baby to rep the Open.  Lee faces Davy “I dunno” denko in the 4th round.

     Young went out to Lopez 3-6, 6-3, 7-6, 7-5, but Young looked good.  I now officially like Young.  He’s a bad motherfucker.  WHAT!

      As of this post Blake is up a set on Koubek 6-4, 1-4, but I predict Blake to choke as he always does.  If he doesn’t, blame it on the liberal media.

     Tomorrow’s biggest matches:

     V. Williams v. Ivanovic, Bartoli v. S. Williams (the battle of the booty), and Djokovic v. Potro.

    

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     Before I begin let me point out that I have an injury and I might pull out before this piece is over.  I can’t find a legitimate source for a list of injured and semi-injured players who have entered the U.S. Open (or withdrew before it began) so I’m going to have to rely on my pretty shoddy memory (yes, this bletus flies by the seat of it’s soiled bum).   So here’s a list of some of the biggest pussies in tennis:

     Tipsarevic*(ribs, knee), Acasuso*(knee), Murray(pussy, titties, teeth), S. Williams (thumb), Vakulenko(ankle), Zvonareva(knee), Nadal(knees), Szavay(back), Gimelstob(back, hemoglobin), Sharapova(shoulder), Ascione*(elbow), Simon*(fallopian tubes), Goldstein*(medulla oblongota), Gasquet*(HIV), Horna*(smegma).  (*=retired)

     Seven men have retired from their matches and 0 women.  By sheer numbers this group is not to be called pussies, but, well something else entirely.  I will gladly take submissions and anounce the winner when I feel like it.  Back to my point.  I’m sick and tired of these _____’s sitting down on every change over to have somebody put pink tape on their ribs, or spray urine on their stingray wounds.  Just be a man woman (this is going to get very confusing) like Monfils and don’t enter into the tournament.  Monfils (GOD) pulled out with hammy issues and he already looks like the toughest sonofabitch amid all the rubdowns, sprays, smooches, and crying that goes down in the U.S. Open.  Like Mailer said “Tough guys don’t dance”.  BUT, if you do go to the dance, dance your fucking head off.  Don’t sit in the corner and get pissed on by your trainer.   Did I mention Tipsarevic retired?  RAFA! is moving onto the 3rd round versus Jo-Wilfried Tsonga of France who knocked out Henman’s teeth in the 2nd round.  Could Monfils actually be Jo-Wilfried Tsonga with a perm? 

     And finally, Hewitt lost to Calleri of Argentina in the 2nd round carrying the torch for early chokers like Blake who by the way finally won a 5th setter.   Let me pose this question: if Blake and Hewitt faced each other in the 1st round of a grand slam, would anybody win? My well informed girl friend asked me today if there are “ties” in tennis.  I quickly got mad and told her “no”.  But if Blake were to face Hewitt, early, well, I’m not so sure anymore.  Sorry Jess!

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