Screech is so homophobic he’s insisted on finishing off (that’s pretty gay right there) each of his opponents in straight sets. No gay sets for Screech. He’s one all 5 matches in straight sets. The only other player to do that is RAFA! (aka A.C. Slater). Me thinks Federer is mighty disappointed in one David Ferrer right about now. Screech avenged the nerds, 6-0, 6-3, 7-5. The last set saw Screech wheezing a bit (kinda like in that ‘sode where he had to wrestle that huge kid from the other school until Slater showed up to save Screech and spin him above his head), and losing some of his nerd-edge as he struggled to close out the man from those Mervyn’s ads. Right before match point, 6-5, someone from the crowd yelled at Screech, who yelled back, essentially telling him to shutup. He then launched one of the biggest serves of the tournament right down the line. Everyone went crazy, Screech spouted a thousand c’mons!. Then the camera cut to Ferrer who was picking his nose. Jesus Christ. In case you’re Pete, Screech faces the winner of Federer v. Blake which happens tonight, which you should be watching (Pete).
I don’t know what Belgium’s role in the cold war was (that’s the Floridian cold war I’m talkin’ about), I don’t know if Sharapova hates fancy chocolate, or what. Whatever it is, Sharapova definitely had her panties in a bunch, as my older, abusive brother Chad used to say. To horse-face’s credit, anything Sharapova c’mon’d her way, she was right there like a paparazzi on Brit’s vagina to snatch it up. It was seriously the closest match I’ve seen result in a goose egg. Henin was all over the court and it took Sharapova an extra shot or two or three to finish her off on almost every point. Sharapova, short on Elmers, sent Henin back to the stables, 6-4, 6-0. Pova v. Head in the semi’s (Pete).
I’ll give you zero guesses who said this:
“I’m not going to sit here and make excuses,” she added, refusing to specify what was wrong with her physically. “I lost because Jelena played better than me and I made too many errors. “I think regardless, the match was on my racket and I gave it away.”
So which one was it, dipshit? Did she play better than you, or did you give it away? You know what, that’s it. I want the rest of my shit back. I’m coming over to get my records, my Joe Matt comics that you never read, my Best American Sports Writing of the Century which I never read, and my letterman jacket. What a goddamn motherfucking travesty you’ve turned out to be. You fake so many injuries your trainer, Jill (yeah, unfortunately we know who you are) can’t keep up. When Shriver went to your box to get the scoop Jill told her she had no idea what it was. One minute you’re running around like a goddamn roadrunner on fire, the next minute you can’t lean over to grab your chocolate milk (why is everyone drinking chocolate fucking milk in Ozzy heat anyway?). You didn’t seem to have any problem getting to those DROPPA’S! late in the match, yet other times you were wincing like you were carrying the weight of Jankovic’s forehead on your back. There were shots that Forehead made that you couldn’t have gotten to, with or without your “injury”, yet you hobble after the ball when it passes you like you had a chocolate snowball’s chance in hell. Well it’s over, do you hear me? I wasn’t just in love with you, I lurved you as Woody once said, but now it’s all over.
Ivanovic celebrated MLK day much the same way Forehead did, beating skinny, 7-6, 6-4. I haven’t heard Venus’ excuse yet, but I’m sure it’s not much different than my ex’s. She faces Hantuchova in the semi’s. Looks like the finals will be Ivanovic v. Sharapova and my chub couldn’t be more excited.
Tsonga faces RAFA! tomorrow in the semi’s. Has anyone seen Monfils and Tsonga in the same place? The second coming? I’m just sayin’ is all.
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